STORY TIME. About a year after I first started identifying as trans and asking for “he” pronouns I started having a crisis. I had been embodying a pretty normative masculinity, mostly because I felt like that was what I had to do to make myself legible to people. And because I felt like it was my own fault if other people read my gender wrong.
But I am not normatively masculine. I am a very very feminine man. I am a queen, I am a drag queen, I am a fem/me, I am genderfluid, I am a gender non-conforming man. And I now know that it is never my fault when other people assume my gender.In 2009 I had what I like to call my first ~femme crisis~. I moved through my every day life presenting in normatively masculine ways. But inside, my glorious queen soul was getting no sunlight, no love, no water and it was slowly wilting and dying.
I would only dress up femme-y in private for my boo, and it felt so liberating. But some days I felt like if I didn’t go out into the world dressed femmey, if I didn’t stop conforming to what other people thought a man was “supposed to look like”, that I was going to absolutely break down. I would have gender meltdowns all the time and I just felt terrible. It seemed like this normative masculinity was collapsing on top of me.
I used to tell my boo about this gorgeous red dress in the window of a plus-size boutique off of MacArthur. I eyed it for weeks and weeks every morning on the bus ride to school. I desperately wanted it, but I felt like such a failure of a man for all of my secret desperate queeny desires.
That year on Valentine’s day she handed my a small gift bag. I had no idea what it could be, but as soon as I slipped my hand between the tissue paper and felt the silky smooth fabric I knew exactly what it was. I tugged on one of the halter straps and slowly pulled the dress out of the bag. It unfolded and bloomed like a big red poppy and I just burst into an ocean of tears right there in her tiny little dorm room.In that silent exchange between me and my partner I knew that, for the first time in my life, someone really truly understood my gender. I knew that she would still call me her boyfriend in this dress. I know that she would never push me, but always support me, in exploring the ways that I need to express my gender in order to feel liberated, to feel safe, to feel honest. I knew that she really deeply truly loved every fiber of my being.
And most of all, I knew i was going to be okay.
(that’s me in the dress on the right, and my friend Tabs on the left)
No Lack of Loquaciousness
NSFW. General love of the adorable, the nerdy, the sexy, and smashing the kyriarchy. pronouns are they/their/them. twitter is Sextopus 19, Queer. white. femme. Chaotic Good{ wear }
new ink
done at Electric Underground
we are non-binary folk
I started this blog, because I know that, as non-binary folk, we are so often misread or made completely invisible.
So come, share your photos and stories. Be heard and be seen.
I will start with sharing my photo and a brief description.
I am Mel. I am 23, mostly-femme (but sometimes quite butch) genderfluid and genderqueer person. I am a person, and I am non-binary.
I prefer non-binary pronouns (ze/hir <zir> or they/them/their), but I am always misread. Some of my biggest trans* allies have told me that it is hard to remember to use certain pronouns with me, I assume because of the way that I look. I am tired of being apologetic for my “complicated” identity. I am genderqueer/fluid. I am usually femme-presenting (not completely by choice), and I am here to say that clothing doesn’t have gender; people have gender (or don’t have gender). My curves and my dresses are not gendered.
I am a person, and I am non-binary.
Signal boost, please! We need this community.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE
genderqueer: Random gender thoughts ›
So I got a new work shirt the other day, just a white button-up, nicely tailored and professional. (Thank you Goodwill!) I wore it to work yesterday, with a black tie arranged into an ascot-bow type thing that the women traditionally wear at my job. And a bra. I passed almost completely I think.
Nobody at work said a thing except for one of the waitresses who whispered “you have chi-chi’s today!” and pointed at my chest. She knows a bit about my gender background and she’s been cool with it, so it didn’t bother me because I could tell she was being humorous. Not even the customers that I’ve known a while said anything - although many of the regulars wouldn’t say anything to me despite being friendly in the past. I figure being ignored is better than being criticized.
I was so, so scared on my way to work. Halfway there I strongly considered going right back home and putting on my guy stuff.
I felt really pretty, but I don’t know if I want to do that everyday .. going back and forth in a public sphere is extremely nerve wracking. :(
I wish people didn’t feel so constrained by gender .. to me it doesn’t even feel like a real phenomenon! Sometimes I have no idea where femininity ends and masculinity begins. I feel differently gendered every day. I used to just want to be a cis-person, but now I wish everyone else was genderfluid.
I’m really glad you posted this. After clothes shopping today, I felt so anxious. While I identify as cis-female I really, really hate the restrictions on gender fluidity in our culture. I feel as though a lot more people would be comfortable with themselves if we were all free (without consequence) to dress and be the way we are comfortable with regardless of gender. I realize many people do this already but I just don’t feel a strong enough acceptance around me to feel comfortable putting on a guys clothing. Perhaps this fear stems from having experienced negative things when I came out of the closet. Hah, it’s almost humorous… I had bad experiences coming out of the closet, and now I’m scared to wear certain clothes.
This post gave me some hope. If someone else braves wearing whatever he/she/ze feels they want to wear, maybe I can too. I think it’s really important that people share these stories so that others realize that gender fluidity is a lot more permanent than people think.
